Planned Parenthood: don't apologize! Celebrate!*

Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood

When Cecile Richards apologized to America for the tone of Medical Services Director for Planned Parenthood, Dr. Deborah Nucatola, she took things too far. As many of you have heard and seen, both Dr. Nucatola, along with Mary Gatter, Planned Parenthood’s Medical Director, were caught on video discussing the obtaining and sale of fetal tissues and organs.

Why apologize?

Planned Parenthood has absolutely nothing for which to apologize, other than that they continue to waste prime opportunities to do even more for women, and for the world. The times in which we live call out for justice and radical change, and while Planned Parenthood has taken great strides in doing just that by obtaining fetal specimens for research labs, much more is needed, if the world is to be saved.

Imagine this: it’s a hot day in Southern Arizona, the mercury topping 120 degrees. All around, lakebeds and rivers are drying up due to global warming, causing so many resources to become so much more expensive and rare. With necessary environmental controls now placed on carbon emissions, we’re all seeing prices go way up. This causes stress and frustration, and it causes a racist backlash against those Dreamers who have journeyed to our land in search of freedom and respect. Sadly, these courageous individuals take the brunt of white America’s frustrations, though they had nothing to do with the exploitation and abuse and violation of our nation’s resources.

This abusive treatment has given rise to racial tensions everywhere, which we now see spilling out into the streets as brave activists try to take back the dignity denied them for 250 years. And in the meantime, the gap between rich and poor has grown all too wide, with the white 1% living off the sweat and blood of the rest of us. With global warming bearing down on us unrelentingly, as absolutely every scientist believes without exception, it has become a race to see who can grab the most. And as the white 1% who are in the NRA’s back pocket have the most money and the most guns, it makes sense that they just steal precious resources from our now empty hands.

---

Courage defined

What does this have to do with the fetal harvesting program conducted by Planned Parenthood? Everything!

Planned Parenthood knows women and women’s troubles. Not only do they provide health care for women, including abortion after twenty weeks gestation, which is critical to any woman’s life, but they also provide transgender hormone therapy, along with many other things that only serve to make everyone happy, healthy, and vibrant. Planned Parenthood’s slogan, “Care. No Matter What,” is further evidence of their total commitment to making everything better and more peaceful and perfect. Would they steer you wrong? I think not. These are women helping women.

This is why their fetal harvesting program is so important and why it must continue and indeed, grow. This is what will save the world from chaos. Women who seek safe and legal health care are too often shamed by judgmental haters and Tea Partiers, and that’s a crime that goes far beyond micro-aggression. Not only does that endanger women’s lives and make them slaves to men once again, but it also causes these women to feel guilty about something that should make them feel proud. After all, when a woman of 17 who has been impregnated by her 32 year-old partner feels that this is a bad time to carry a pregnancy to term, she might be forced to feel guilt because she has chosen to terminate her pregnancy after twenty weeks gestation. She has likely grown up in a family or a town dominated by the Christian Right, and thus, she may find herself being shunned for doing something would only benefit her life.

 Knowing that her products of conception are being used in a positive way makes her feel good. Clinics all over America report this very thing, that when the woman learns that the issue removed from her will be used to save children’s lives in poor neighborhoods, she is happy, she is affirmed in her own okay-ness, and she can walk out of the procedure with a smile on her face. The money she pays to Planned Parenthood that day is well spent because she has made the world a brighter place.

Won't you let her help?

But my question is this: why limit using fetal tissue in medical research? Sure, there’s a law about harvesting fetal organs for a profit, but that’s not the point. The point is simple—we are a society in need, but not at the expense of our environment. Companies like Opening Lines, a Division of Consultative and Diagnostic Pathology, Inc., of Illinois, paved the way, even providing a convenient price chart: intact embryonic cadavers being sold to labs for a reasonable $400-$600 dollars, an intact trunk for just $500, with or without limbs, and they even offered discount rates on items such as eyes—a whopping 40% discount if you could only give them one, and a generous 30% discount on fetal brains should they have become somewhat fragmented in the extraction process.

While these wholesalers are helping women by offering these items to research labs, think of what else they could do, if only they had true vision, a more comprehensive business plan, and the proper ad campaign, including Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and LinkedIn. As of now, finding these wholesalers on Google is next to impossible, meaning they’re shutting themselves away from what could be big business. And with a rise in corporate and business taxes, as well as an end to the Bush tax cuts, the revenue generated for the Federal Government could really take off—with the right menu of services.

Sure, start with medical research and all those areas that make us better people. Fantastic! Applause! But the problem remains that with our landfills growing exponentially every day, and as our waters continue to be polluted by big business and big oil, we have to think green. We have to think sustainable. We have to think about alternative energy and about how we can use this industry to help address the threat of global warming. After all, as President Obama noted in February 2014, “When I think about the array of global climate – of global threats – think about this: terrorism, epidemics, poverty, the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction – all challenges that know no borders – the reality is that climate change ranks right up there with every single one of them.”

We must do as the President tells us because he knows what is best for all of us. When he spoke to the Coast Guard earlier this year, he rightly pointed out horrible dangers, that “climate change constitutes a serious threat to global security, an immediate risk to our national security, and, make no mistake, it will impact how our military defends our country.” Thus, Planned Parenthood and its contracted tissue wholesalers must expand—they must reach with their imagination and dare to find new ways of handling this potential goldmine that will enrich us all without damage to Mother Earth. Yes, aborted fetuses are routinely incinerated, or they are ground up for easy disposal down any sink, but that could harm both our air and our waters. We have to be creative!

Our President at Planned Parenthood's National Convention in 2013

Who doesn’t love to hold a new baby and caress her soft skin? When a baby is wanted, that’s one of the best, most healing things anyone can do. Why not be able to do that when the pregnancy isn’t wanted? Why not take that beautiful skin and transform it into an amazing jacket or vest or vachette leather handbag? Baby dolls for little children, using genuine baby skin, so that little ones can enjoy that same healing sensation? Doesn't that make us all kinder and gentler?

As the world becomes more globalized and our dining trends become more open to new flavors, this is the ideal moment to introduce new ingredients, new “superfoods” into our diets. We’re all crazy about kale and brussels sprouts and chia and quinoa these days, and with so many getting into smoothies and shakes and new kinds of juices, why not add a new ingredient to our national pantry?

Now mind you, vegans might not be able to participate in this, however, that is a choice that must be respected, and one must never be allowed to speak against them or make inordinate jokes at their expense. In fact, those kinds of haters deserve to be put in prison. But that’s an issue for another day. The use of fetal blood as a part of healthy cooking, for example, would bring incredible benefits to everyone—take a look at only a few of its ingredients: proteins, important minerals such as iron, potassium, calcium, magnesium and more…and no carbs. One gram of blood contains only 9 teeny calories, making it an easy addition to any savory meal, and with no worries about your waistline. 

---

Doesn't this look like an amazing, nutritious meal?

The fiscal potential for this is nearly unlimited for a couple of important reasons. First, young women have a strong sexual appetite, and as they are often careless about taking their birth control pill, they are more likely to conceive unwanted pregnancies. This gives organizations like Planned Parenthood and Family Planning Associates plentiful opportunities to obtain these ingredients and to have their wholesalers broaden their market to include food sellers, clothiers, handbag designers and so on. Second, women in late-term crisis pregnancies might be encouraged to terminate, specifically so the products of conception could be used in new and spectacular ways. In fact, wholesalers could develop incentive programs for these women, who are often economically challenged, so that they can get off welfare and have a home of their own.

What does all this mean in the end? Wage potential for women on welfare, fewer struggling families on assistance programs, cleaner oceans and landfills, better nutrition for people of all classes and hues, and a general sense of doing something for the greater good. That makes people really come together as a community, and it is a strong community of people who think and act alike that makes for a more harmonious society. It means we come together in the spirit of sustainability, of repurposing and recycling which will, in the long run, help to bring an end to global warming for a few important reasons:

1.     Fewer people harming the environment
2.     Less need, therefore, for natural resources, allowing the trees to grow again
3.     Less dependence on welfare and more revenue coming in—that means that taxes can be raised universally and thus bring an end to the deficit while still being able to invest in our children’s future
4.     More competition in business—more wholesalers diversifying would lead to competitive pricing, which thus would bring down cost and allow more people to buy the end product
5.     Thus, with more people having access to more products, that sense of belonging can only increase, bringing an end to racism and white privilege
6.     Positive attention can also be brought to this issue through reality television. Just as we have been educated by charming shows such as “I am Jazz” and “I am Cait,” Planned Parenthood could easily have a show called “I am Deb,” featuring Dr. Nucatola as she gets through her day of seeing patients, extracting fetal tissue, haggling with wholesalers, going on date nights with her partner, sharing funny moments with her children. We know that shows such as this normalize certain behaviors and industries, and this would be no different.
7.     The increased media would inspire other young women to follow in Deb’s shoes, wanting to harvest fetal tissue themselves. It would create a positive atmosphere of acceptance and tolerance and love, and as we know, it's a good day when love wins.

This will inevitably have an impact on global warming because all clinics, restaurants, design houses, and media outlets who engage in these activities would use sustainable practices, thus bringing awareness to all, which would ultimately lead to a planet that is free from mean practices. Federal regulations would ensure that this program be taxed and that the appropriate fees would be put in place so that everyone benefits.

Therefore, Planned Parenthood should pat itself on the back—rather than reacting as if Dr. Nucatola and Ms. Gratter were “caught” in something bad and for which they must apologize, they should bring these brave women out of the shadows and celebrate them for the helping work they do on a daily basis. These women are the vanguard, our leaders into a brighter future with less less global warming and more community, and we should thus encourage Planned Parenthood to, as they say at University of Southern California, “Fight On.”

 To quote President Barack Obama from a speech he made in April 2013: “As long as we’ve got to fight to make sure women have access to quality, affordable health care, and as long as we’ve got to fight to protect a woman’s right to make her own choices about her own health, I want you to know that you’ve also got a president who’s going to be right there with you, fighting every step of the way,” said Obama. “Thank you, Planned Parenthood. God bless you.”
​
*Note: this is satire, in case you were worried about my sanity...